Penser

I just got back from a 9:00 - 11:00am dance practice at Conseil des Arts, where snow was falling beyond the tall windows of the ballroom.  I wore a black practice dress and hot purple tights and massive, industrial, clomping black boots.

And as soon as I'd bid goodbye to R, I tromped through the snow in the footprints Caspian made when he returned from the Breakfast Club, walked into the apartment, buried my face in Caspian's chest and cried.  Big old shuddering, sniveling, snorking sobs.  He asked me why I was so upset and I really didn't know why until a little later, but for two hours of dance practice, R kept encouraging me to be more "out there" and to "play more" and to "go outside" myself...  And I was failing and I felt ridiculous and I was absolutely sure that R would abandon me for a less hopeless partner.  A less reserved partner, a partner who could turn on the sexy and the intense and the playful at will, somebody who didn't have such a huge obstacle to cross - ME.  I'm the obstacle.

Now why in hell should this send me into a sobbing session fit for a jilted 15-year-old?  In an academic or a professional setting, something like this would only send me into a fit of motivated productivity.  Why, as soon as R says to me (with the best of intentions and a couple of shimmies thrown in for good measure), "Shinseiko, just a little play!  Don't afraid of ridiculous!  Just get out there!" do I immediately I dissolve into a pile of self-conscious insecurity?

As I lay there collapsed over Caspian on the bed (he was laughing at my bizarre emotional issues), I realized exactly why I was having this reaction.  I have some huge unresolved issues from my past that are interfering with my personality even now, years later.

When R tries to encourage me to act, to play, to turn on the sex appeal just for the dance, I feel almost exactly the same way as I did when my last boyfriend told me to seduce him.  To wear clothes like this, or like that.  To wear my makeup like that.  To act more like that other girl.  It was a terrible, nauseating, sinking feeling of pressure and rejection.  So when R says "be flamboyant!" I hear, "Be somebody else.  Who you are is not acceptable to me."  This is how I felt during almost my entire relationship with my ex boyfriend...  But the resemblance stops there.  These two, R and D, are simply the only two people in the world who have ever asked me to act.

It's totally idiotic.  R only wants me to have fun, not change my personality or my heart or my soul.  There is no romance between us, but there is hopefully a long-term athletic and friendly partnership - but I DO care about his opinion of me, I AM afraid of making a fool of myself in front of him, and I lose some of my self-expression because of the interplay of this caring and my lack of familiarity with him.  I don't trust him enough yet to show him my silly side, which is a huge part of me.  He wants me to succeed, and as far as I can tell, he doesn't think I'm hopeless and won't abandon me as a partner if I fail to become a good actor in a week or a month or six months.  But it still hurts just the same as when ex boyfriend told me flat out that I was boring.  God, that hurt so fucking badly, and not even at that moment!  It took awhile for that one to sink in, and damn did it sink in.  I feel like he etched boring into the surface of my soul with a fucking plasma cutter and he doesn't deserve that kind of power.

Acting is an essential part of poignant, skillful dance.  It's just another facet to learn and improve upon, like choreography and technique.  It just doesn't come as naturally to me as choreography and technique.

It's not a matter of rejection or pressure.  I have to keep telling myself that.

R said kindly, "You can't be ridiculous with me.  C'est impossible, even if your knees and elbows look like camel.  We will laugh, and soon improving.  You have beauty and talent and now this a new thing for to learn.  C'est trés simple:  Just have fun."