Thirty seconds ago, I sent $80 CAD and an application to McGill's Intensive French Language Certification program beginning this fall The mere notion of returning to school makes me want to squeal and perform a spastic, seizure-like dance. God... I want this.
Two evenings ago, at about this time, I was sitting across from Felix at a deserted Greek restaurant somewhere off of St. Denis, drinking fumée blanche and trying not to look as intoxicated as I was. I think I failed. Felix told me about his theory of five; in one's lifetime, one can expect to count those people that one truly, utterly connects with on the fingers of one hand. He explained that he pursues me so ardently because he believes I am one of his five. Of course, I was shocked at his audacity and wept. He also told me, very seriously, that he thinks I am insecure about some huge life choice I have made, or will make... That I am insecure about who I am in some deep way and that I am terrified of failing to become what I want to be. Something like that, but I'm not sure, because it was half in French, half in English, and partially translated by Raomi by cell phone.
He told me kindly that he knows that I am not as confident as I pretend. I was mortified (looking back now, I wonder why I was so intensely mortified?) and had no words and spun my wineglass in my fingers. He believes that P, our coach, is beguiled by my façade and pretty face, has no idea who I am or how deep our (Felix and me) dynamic goes, and is approaching my dance education from a less-effective angle.
He said that I was like a small animal who sees the snow for the first time and extends a paw in fear. He entreated me to frolic in it, that my whole life was ahead of me, that I didn't have time for this nonsense and indecision (what choice am I making again?!) --- And I reacted exactly the way I feared... With tears and shame. Is it so wrong to be shy? Am I so transparently meek? Why did his words feel like a caress from one hand and a backhand from the other? Why do I care what he says? Am I aluminum foil, to be molded to fit and then crumpled so easily?
And then suddenly he was dancing rumba and so was I? Through the aisles of this deserted Greek place?
We all have our own fears and insecurities and timidities. I, for instance, am terrified of failing at life. I'm not even really sure what it means to fail at life, but there it is nonetheless.
ReplyDeleteAs much as I know Felix loves you, I think only you can define what sort of person (confident/shy, afraid/fearless, shamed/proud, molded/self-creating) you are, and any combination of the above. Feel free to contradict yourself (a la Walt Whitman). But most importantly, let YOU define YOU, and no one else (even if that person is a beloved friend - including me!)
<3,
rh
I love you.
ReplyDeleteYes, I wish I had more skill at defining myself. I try to choose something to be, and then inevitably, somebody I care about figures out my game of pretend and the gig is up and my true nature revealed. But I think you still like me, and I am pretty sure Felix does too. Who cares about anybody else. <3
Maybe I'm just doomed to be timid and insecure about certain things... And that I should never apologize for it, or be ashamed of it.
I think the process of defining oneself can both be a conscious process, as well as a natural one. Don't be ashamed of either. Or do. However you like it. It both matters and doesn't.
ReplyDelete<3,
rh