Why do I write posts while intoxicated?

I think last night's dance practice was one of the best Felix and I have ever had together.  I was really apprehensive after Saturday, when he said something about our partnership being slow to start.  He's the type of person who preferred in the past to dance with his best friend, and suddenly he's partnered with some random girl from the United States.  And she happens to be pretty obscure when she is unsure about the nature of a relationship.

But now, I think I can say that despite our language problems, he is probably one of my best friends here.  And suddenly, I relaxed.  I just did whatever.  I stopped caring and started having fun, for once (or twice).  My arms may have looked beautiful and deadly or they might have looked like chicken wings flapping, but so what?  I think I realized just how genuine he is, and trusted that he'd probably still want to dance with me even if I looked like a panicked chicken (happened lots of times), or if I lost my temper in frustration (should have happened lots of times), or if I giggled like a preschooler with ADHD (er, constantly?)...  Despite his drama with a previous partner, who "wants him back" or whatever.  Won't go into that right now.

Anyway.  I shouldn't have to have a prim, bland parody of a personality.

Why can't I just have normal friendships?  Why does it have to involve so much soul-searching and self-examination?  I just never take friendship for granted and second-guess it all the way to the bitter end.  It almost seems to good to be true, to have a friend, a true friend.

Anyway, a breakthrough in friendship.  I remember once when my mother told me that my inscrutability was one of my better traits, and that it'd save me future heartache...  But I think my heart has been broken, and is just now starting to heal.  I feel like my friends here - M, A, Felix - are for real.  They've seen some of my dumb, negative, moody sides and still call me and want to hang out, or dance, or go looking for yarn together.

So!  Dancing!  It's pretty much all I think about, even still.  I can't sleep for thinking about dancing.  I feel like I have a breakthrough every week.  I'm both apprehensive and really damn excited about competing in the spring.